the evolution of a mental mist

her favorite outfit is jeans with pockets, she always stuffs her pockets so her arms can swing free when she walks. she needs her freedom, if she is chained for even a minute, she starts dying.

she has never liked being in the driving seat, bike or car, she is nervous behind the wheel.

she also walks waay too fast, because she’s always been afraid that she’s slower than normal. and then she found out she was actually smarter than normal, iq 136, sort of an entry level genius, and that finally gave her courage to accept her own shortcomings.

she is an intelligent woman but she does not use her brain, she wastes it. she always reaches last in her career, in promotions, in honors, in recognition, in personal advancement. it is usually her fault, she rarely seeks opportunities, she rarely asks for anything. she rarely capitalizes on advantages, she refuses to accept anything that is not given freely, and of course, she works in a corporate culture where the mantra is, the crying baby gets everything. she suspects the real world works the same way.

she has almost always been a free spirit, she has zero respect for material things like ambition, power, competition, hierarchies, money or time. she does exactly what she wants, when she wants, and expects the same from everyone she touches. which never works. in the alternate reality called the only reality, she is disobedient, unstructured and lazy. she gets away with it because she is also charming, sunny and optimistic.

she is very possessive, rarely gives anything material to anyone, because giving to someone has a very deep strong personal meaning to her, and she cannot give from her heart unless it has found that meaning.

she is not unattractive to look at, although she hardly stops traffic. she has been extremely lucky in love. at any time in her life so far, there have been ten men she knew who wanted to sleep with her, three or four who wanted to go steady with her, one or two who wanted to marry her. she is happy with these statistics, considers herself privileged. and cursed. it is very difficult for her to say no to genuine affection, so she is also always troubled and guilted by these statistics.

in the areas of physical strength, she is strong in some ways, weak in some others. she is an average woman. in areas of will power, she is above average, she usually gets what she wants. she is not very wise though, and usually wants the wrong thing, at the wrong time, in the wrong way. so she has had her fingers and her soul, burned more often than she can count.

she has scars all over her body, and not one of them is visible. she plans to get tattoos to validate these hidden scars. however it has not stopped her so far from trying, it has not stopped her so far from smiling, it has not stopped her so far from believing in humanity. although she anticipates that she will shun humanity, build a castle and retire from all normal society by the time she is forty.

she is an outstandingly lonely woman, mostly by choice. she hides this with a ready smile and small talk. she accepts everyone, but is actually very choosy about her company. in her defense, it takes her a lot of solid physical energy to be nice to people she does not like, it drains her unutterably.

therefore she only does it on the job, protects her personal time fiercely. she considers smiling at offensive people and opinions, part of her job description, part of the salary they pay her. if it gets too hard for her to smile on the job every day, she will demand more money, or quit. probably quit

she is also a very vengeful woman, often difficult to believe from her herbivorous exterior. she gives her trust fully and withdraws it fully, does not know any moderation. she has only a switch – love or hate. she believes life is too short for mild likes or dislikes.

she lives with an excellent memory and rarely forgets or forgives. it is a curse, she accepts it.she can hold grudges all her life and is an opportunist here, when the time is right, she will take revenge, but not really waste energy otherwise, she doesnt bother with plans.

she is an unpredictable and extraordinarily moody woman. happy one minute, angry the next, passionate the third and aloof the fourth. she can be shallow or deep based on the time of day you meet her. she has at least eight different people living inside her at a time, and the smell of the breeze can change which person emerges to the outer world.

she does not handle sad people or sadness very well, she avoids them. they depress her easily. complainers and people who will not try to change their own sadness into happiness make her angry. she avoids them too.

she is really afraid of people who live in a fantasy world, and call it reality, eventually succeed it making it reality, their own reality, she runs away from these people high speed.

she has always tried to change sadness into happiness wherever she finds it, sometimes she is successful, sometimes she fails. it takes a lot of energy to try to do this. her energy has reduced rapidly with age, and her attempts at changing people, and attitudes, have become fewer and farther between. she usually lives and lets live now.

she is also really afraid of commitment and responsibility, she is mostly still a helpless child despite her age. but that doesn’t stop her from committing or taking on responsibility, that she struggles with every day.

most women she knows are competitive around men, and she hates that, withdraws completely from these classy situations. although she has fought over a man, she is not proud of this fact. she knows she will probably never do it again, for its sheer humiliation and disrespect factor.

she is incapable of looking at the world objectively. she is a very sensitive person. she can take a hell of a lot of punishment before she fights back, but when she gets angry she takes the entire list of grievances ever meted out to her and fashions a single weapon from it to be unleashed at the last unsuspecting tormentor. this weapon gets more and more dangerous and unfair and unpredictable with age, so she tries to control her anger with yoga and tai chi. she has been reasonably successful so far.

she is incredibly honest, and that makes her a pariah in many social situations, she accepts this, because she loves her honesty, protects it with all she has, which is very little.