a quick thank you universe

Deep blue mornings are rare, most of mine are yellow red and ready for action. But I made the sacrifice today, pedalling down the mississippi is a dream, fall is my favorite color for now.

Blues and oranges and green gold water, yep, im gonna talk about it until the snow starts, the uphills are slow and laborious and when a red tree, maple, bursting, appears, across the horizon, glinting translucent in sunlight and shedding a leaf or two with each puff of breeze, its worth the pain, and some!

I too flush bright red and pant like an overactive dog. the realization hits hard that im no longer fifteen and indestructible, hell, im 31, fatter and lonelier, im far away from my birth, getting further each minute. But still trying, struggling, to understand, still breathing, still hopeful and wandering and amazed. At how beautiful and powerful life is, how inevitable, and once you let go, how much love you feel for all creation.

I am grateful today after a long time. I learnt an important important thing, I shouldn’t underestimate, its strength or power, in the midst of a reluctant legacy, of age, grand pain, uncertainty, fear and stationary hope. Step 1 of the journey of a lifetime.

It was the wonderfully empowering realization that I am no longer a beginner, I can construct.

Quickly and consistently. I know what to do and what not, without trying and-or rules or suggestions or feedback or anything. Damn, it feels so good to know. today! Almost tempted, to believe again, in fate.

And now its my turn to lend a hand as I plan the next step. To develop kindness for struggling beginners. I fully understand, the fragility of new leaves and the painful self doubt that rages for years before we move forward, how easy it is to give up with various versions of, no I cannot.

To start, and not stop, its no different from pursuing any other dream. The path needs insane selfishness, blind unshakeable self belief, and the willing to place in your blood, truth, dead straight and ruthless.

It will not be easy, it will not be immediate, feelings will be hurt, relationships will break with loud snapping noises. But any relationship that cannot handle the truth has to be let go, believe it, accept it, do it!

Did I mention daily labor, will and trial? the elusive ability to never stop trying. This is dead easy if this is the road to destiny, fate, God, Satan, Whatchamacallit, intended for you. You simply cannot stop, rationality can go jump. This is what I want, this is it.

No excuses, no backup, no reason at all. Don’t ask me why, I am just another puny human. Trying every day, every minute of every day. And lucky, as well as unlucky. Life usually, mostly, always, gives you an even deal.


2 Responses

  1. I like days when everything seems possible.

    Sometimes little epiphanies come to me and I change direction, away from the ditch, and place myself back on the road to somewhere I want to go.
    … on coming traffic is a concern, but constant vigilance is usually good.

    ~Ross, absolutely, I agree, me I mostly circle the drain, but manage never to fall in, I am very fortunate in my support system :), thank you!

  2. I’m 53, and still semi-indestructable! It takes a few pills, several pairs of spectacles, and a real need for a hearing aid, to keep me this way – but what the heck.: Youth- it’s overrated – especially when you don’t have any.

    You need a hearing aid? now I’m jealous :(! I have always wanted to go deaf, people will stop talking so much to me then, wont they ?? I agree, youth is overrated, I spent most of mine dangerously clueless, but now, um …. Ok, youth is overrated and thats final :D!

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