emotional abuse

I recently had a rather shocking encounter with an emotionally abused woman and after a lot of brooding about it, here are my opinions, NOT to be confused with psychiatry or anything except my own chatty voice

1. Most emotional abuse takes two people. The bully identifies a victim, the victim allows the abuse by either not identifying it as abuse or by not stopping it. Harsh but true. Strange as it may sound, most bullys and their victims have close relationships and share common goals. People find it far easier to tell a stranger to fuck off than to say it to someone who claims to really care about them.

2. Most victims will try to find excuses for their abusers. They have had hard lives, they have problems, its just a bad mood, they didn’t really mean it. And most abusers will use the same excuses their victims use, this makes the excuse stronger. If two people say a thing, it becomes truer. Well guess what, no matter what happened to the abuser, treating another human being badly for it is not ok, not healthy, and never excused.

3. Abusers are convincing, persistent and repetitive. If you call someone “stupid”, “lame”, “lazy”, “incompetent”, “ugly” a 100 times, most people will start believing its true. And will start treating the victim this way. Eventually the victim starts believing it too.

4. Abuse is about control. Abusers want to know everything about the victim, and use whatever information they have to try and belittle the victim. They will try to control all of the victim’s relationships until the victim is completely dependent on them for love or support. The victim starts thinking there is something wrong with them and the abuser is their only hope. This is when the abuser will become the nicest person in the world. Good dog good dog. Meanwhile the victim starts sinking into a dull depression and stops caring what happens to them. The abuser now assumes full control over the victims life.

5. Abusers distort truth. For example, if the victim likes shoes a lot, “she’s got forty pairs of shoes or something, spends tons of money on them, whereas her dog only gets the cheapest food available and looks so sad all the time, and here’s the irony, he sleeps on her shoes!” (laughter). You get it right? Attacking with an emotional angle,
a. She thinks/spends too much on silly things
b. She doesnt care about her pet
The dog might like only that brand, the dog may be a St.Bernard with a droopy face, the dog may sleep only when he’s sleepy. Theres really no connection at all between these two pieces of information. So here we have the image of a “bad person” simply because they like shoes and spend on them. Which is ridiculous, if you really think about it. But wasn’t the above argument appealing and convincing?

6. The primary drive of an abuser is low self-esteem. Most abusers will pick victims that have something they want, but don’t have, and work systematically to try and destroy the value of that thing. Then when the victim is ravaged and in depression, they will cut connection and walk away satisfied. Abusers do not repent or change, they find newer victims.

7. Most victims are ashamed and afraid to admit to being abused, simply because identifying emotional abuse is difficult, and even if they did, they have been beaten down so much that they start thinking they deserve it.

8. Abusers never let go of a victim, they HAVE to prove to the world, and above all, themselves, that the price tag they put on the victim is accurate. They will go any lengths to reclaim a victim. If a victim ever shows signs of breaking free, the abuser will become the nicest kindest most wonderful person on earth until the victim reconsiders.

9. Victims fall into the trap of trying to “help” or “heal” their abusers, it is often the only thought that gives them any power in the relationship, and keeps them from breaking free. Abusers encourage this notion in the victim that if the victim behaves exactly as they wish, then they will become happy, and the world will be a much nicer place somehow.

10. Most abusers have been abused themselves by someone very important in their past, usually a parent. This is how they learned, this is all they know.


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