another hallmark day


I watched Breakfast at Tiffanys today for the very first time. Prophetic perhaps, that woman, shes me, much thinner and far more beautiful of course. I wish I had her beauty and size instead of the rest, stuffed into this awkwardly made, pleasantly ugly, zig zag bag called me.

Ever see a control freak get drunk? you should watch me tonight. I usually only ever get half drunk, I can’t lose control completely, its against my principles. But today, tonight, is yet another exception.

Im mostly drunk right now. and I love it. So much easier to smile and talk about the weather. Today, tonights a special day. and im in the twilight zone between conscious worry and absolute relaxation. where I can do half-crazy stuff and love you half as much, as usual.

“you” here my dear audience, refers to every sentient being on the damn planet. I was born to smile too much, love too much and feel guilty as a matter of default. And feel afraid as a matter of experience. Love is a happy thing, if not advisable most of the time in this world.

But its true, when I hate, it eats at me inside, it turns me into ashes, or fertilizer, I cannot survive my own hate, inward or outward. and so, I love. Indiscriminately and insensibly. When im half drunk, I love more. when im fully drunk I imagine, I will love without boundaries, but Ive never gone there. Control freak, hello! I am told I smile and laugh a lot when im drunk, I get happy, REALLY happy.

So you understand right, why I never get fully drunk? I’m stalking a self-destructive life philosophy here, an addiction, to love and happiness, on demand, all the time. Ironic what?

And I still want to win this tug of war, of reality sucking away happiness steadily, and my soul equally determined, reclaiming it regularly, by fair means and foul. After all ive been through in life, the instinct to fight is alive. I want to win, I intend to win. I want to live exactly as I choose, without compromise. Live, when, because, I see blurred and oscillate on my axis, live, because its the most exciting thing to do as we die each day. Control, its in my DNA.

 
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