honey i’m sorry

Love you still, after everything, strangely enough. Honey, I didn’t forget, I cant. until im blissfully dead. I only remember vividly, us sitting in some dark movie theater, crying together watching Farenheit 9/11

You dancing on the couch without music, and charming every woman you met without even trying. Damn I used to get so angry when you did that, and I was left to fight them off with a stick. I hated it, but I did it anyway. Love is a strange grotesque thing.

Honey, I finally forgive you, for leaving. I was so angry all these years, so very angry. But now with a green incandescent memory and a special box of loneliness that I fill with your things, I feel better. I feel the pointless water of tears but its better. Better than this unspecific rage that was destroying everything it touched. Worse because it was hidden.

Honey I was so goddamn angry, you were a stupid lazy vulnerable creature and you were a brilliant loving sweet amazing creature and I was just so goddamn angry. I didnt mean what I said to you, I didnt mean what I thought of you after you left. I had this grand life plan that I made without consulting you. And you just shattered it without consulting me, how could you?

For so long I have hated you, been so furious with you. I am so afraid these days of even becoming angry, but you should know, you didnt succeed in changing me very much. I still have those rages, I just restrict my audience to people strong enough to take it. They’re very few you know, mankind is damn fragile. And I was born with a laser tongue and zero tolerance, I have no idea why. Honey im so sorry for everything I said and didnt say. Mostly said. You should also know, I win every argument we have these days. Hah!

I watched “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. I should never have, it left me depressed for two days. But at least, at the very least, it showed me the horror of never having any memories at all. Of just being some random carbon based life form breathing in and out, and processing food into shit. Yeah, I felt a lot worse after that movie, a lot better, at least, at the very least, we had something magical.

Honey, I never felt so weak and useless as I did on the day you left, this Day, and I couldnt do a damn thing about it. I dont like feeling weak and useless, I used anger instead. I broke windows, I raged, I worked like a madwoman, im surprised I made it past that day. I dont remember very much of it.

And im so glad I remember you and will never forget. For once I am glad for my photographic memory.

How could I not love a man who loved with such casual certainty, and surrendered without even considering the risks? Damn you, why cant I do that? You had an answer to every question I could think of, and even some I never asked. I hated how you could say no so easily, but never say yes without a year of thinking.

I hated that you rarely made up your mind, and after you did, you never changed it, changed me irrevocably instead. You deserved so much love, I could never quite manage to make enough, give enough.

Honey, I still love you in all the feeble ways I can, all is forgiven, come back to me…


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