I remember …


 

your smile. The way you used to look when you looked at me. It used to make feel so undeserving that look. But it made me too. I remember college and how wild I used to be. I remember being the only girl in a line of guys, I was being punished for being me. All of them had to take their shirts off and I was allowed to keep mine. I rather think I would have taken mine off if they dared ask. I remember only one moment before the grand finale of our humiliation. You peeped out of the line and yelled at me across the whole college watching, across a line of semi naked terrified boys “M how do I look with my shirt off?” Very sexy actually, I don’t remember if I told you that.

I remember the first smell of the sea, the first sunset beside the ocean. It took so long. I remember lights. Highlights, soft lights, dim lights, dark lights. Lights where I could barely see myself. Lights when I couldn’t bear to look at me. I remember my first gray hair, so much before my time. I remember thinking about my future just before I went for a seven year spin through a quasar. I remember the future of my imagination. It was not half as much as I was capable of, yet it blew my mind.

I remember when all I thought about was the weekend all I worried about was a Monday. I remember amost breaking my brothers leg when we were fighting. I remember my first ever doll, a blonde blue eyed little thing I got from my uncle in Sweden. My best friend immediately got her own doll which was twice the size of mine. I remember rainy days when I skipped work faking a cough. I used to curl up in my big wooden couch bed with a book and a cup of hot chocolate. I remember my mom who used to talk in a constant litany of criticism that still rings in the back of my head constantly. They sounded like a prayer to me. She didn’t forget to set me free before I stopped listening to her

I remember sitting in C’s house, in his tiny room with the giant boom speakers, five of us with our legs stretched out full length in the already cramped space. Yet we had so much room left. We talked about life and his current girlfriend.

I remember Diwali at 2 am smoking black skies and pure excitement. I remember playing Gilli Danda, I was terrific for a mere girl. I remember learning to ride a bike without falling off even once. I was so afraid of falling, and yet so utterly dismissive of breaking tradition. I remember the first time I was up all night. It was a book I had to finish. I remember the ash on the agarbatti that added sandalwood to my first lending library

I remember the day I discovered I could write. I never wrote for years after that day

 
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7 Responses

  1. these are beautiful memories… they made me remember that i too had memories

    ~Thanks Enreal :)!

  2. This is very beautiful!

    I love how memories weave together to form an incredible tapestry of our lives… lovely!

    Thanks Tracey 🙂 a wonderful new year to you!

  3. Remembering: everyone is different. I remember the teeth in smiles and the number of tear drops usually.

    note: is this a typo? “I remember amost breaking my brothers leg”

    Thanks Ross yeah remembering is a signature process :)! Its not a typo, I was maybe seven, we were fighting and I was angry enough to do it, but I stopped myself; I remember the moment very vividly, cold appraisal of consequences and rage, it scared me what I was capable of 😦

  4. Lovely. Poetry…prose…who cares? It’s just good writing.

    Hey Maxine!! Thank you :)!

  5. Beautiful

    Thanks Tooty :)!

  6. hey,
    memories are those which keep us young and alive ..
    did u end up unscratched after playing gilli?
    that used to be my fav sport in my child hood too only next to koli and pambaram..
    nice i came across u
    padma

    Hey Padma, welcome to my space, thanks :)!

  7. Hello ! I remember ya ! 🙂

    Hellow baby, welcome back :)!

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